Monday, July 27, 2009


Back in the 90’s a group of scientists spent a bunch of money searching for a definition of cool. This article is the result of poor research and my own hazy recall so I’m winging it when I say I think the result was that cool equals being good at stuff without visible effort. Now the real question, who gives a fuck? Well Coca Cola would I guess. Because cool is the ticket to paper. And so suddenly it’s so important to have a formula for cool because I’m cool and you’re cool and Britney’s cool in that 90’s retro revival kind of way and let’s all spend some more money to develop our own identity brand.

Cool used to be a secret but somebody fucked up and posted it on their blog and then it got transferred to YouTube and now it’s got a million hits. And now accountants are dropping tabs on the weekend and dressing like rock stars and rock stars are dressing like homeless people, the schizo kind that wear road kill on their heads and lots of bangles.

Superbad made nerds cool. Mickey Avalon made gay prostitute heroin addicts cool. Kings of Leon’s first album was cool, Black kids were supposed to be cool and Bob Dylans always been cool (see influences on every band’s Myspace music page). Adrian Grenier says that eco earth bullshit is cool; Yelle says I should wear Nikes and everyone says I should get one of those little I-phone robots that can just about read your mind and then I’ll be cool. If you’re as confused as I am apparently you can ask an MTV “veejay” for some pointers or you can go to and find some shiny things to buy.

I just think maybe something has gone terribly wrong when Mummy has tit implants and her own reality show, Daddy listens to minimalist house music and Johnny wears a Stooges t-shirt but has never heard of Iggy Pop. Everyone’s trying to be somebody else and we’re all just running around bumping into each other and consuming our way into hell. Maybe the only originals left are the punks. That is, the ones that actually listen to punk music and those dirty hippies that are actually committed and don’t bathe or shave. You don’t have to fit a majority or minority. You don’t have to resist one either and shave off half of your hair or something. Alice Delal already did that anyway. Maybe next time you hear/read/see something you can think long and hard and decide if you actually, personally like it. Or maybe that’s pretty fucking preachy and you can do whatever you want. So what’s the moral of the story? I don’t know… drink Coca Cola?

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