Wednesday, December 2, 2009

morbid musings

I am fine.
I am fine.
No I don't want to talk about it.
I just want my hands to stop shaking long enough that I can light a damn cigarette.
And then I'm driving and a fucking power-line explodes and it's like the whole world is falling apart, it's just coming down in a shower of sparks.

"How about a smile sugar?"
I can show some teeth but I don't think it's quite the same thing when the gesture doesn't touch your eyes.

How unnatural it seems to smile right now.
I came to this bar so that I could make like the rest of you and forget for a little while.
Because aren't they all here to drink and smoke and snort and swallow and lie about their age/occupation/marital status?
Sins like bandages.
Make me feel okay.
But you'll pop the stitches tomorrow.
For now I'll glare at strangers in a bar because, yes, it will crack my face if I smile and what if all the other cracks join up and I can't hold it together anymore.

I will remember this time because this was when I realised that people don't glue right back together and that the future is probably going to be a whole lot shittier than the past.
And by arriving at this conclusion I had joined the group that is no group at all...


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