think before you ink.
The needle bites into your skin. You watch the liquid seep from its pointed tip, sense it infiltrate your system. It’s like nothing you’ve ever felt and a buzzing fills yours ears and runs throughout your body. You feel like you’ve just gotten laid for the first time again. A world of possibilities blooms in your mind. You’ve just made a decision. You’ve just joined the club. Amy Winehouse is a part of it, so is Mickey Avalon. No, you haven’t joined the ranks of heroine addicts everywhere. You’ve just gotten your first tattoo.
So you’ve just got your ink and chances are you’re feeling pretty fucking special right now. Now purse your mitts together and pray to your God you just made a good choice. Because for some the elation doesn’t last a lifetime. And the tat does. For some there comes a moment that can only be described as ‘oh shit’ and may only be likened to the time when you were seventeen and you heard your parents car pull into the driveway three days short of their holidays and halfway through your rager. If this is you, you may feel a burning sensation that makes you want to pick up a hot razor and shave a few layers of skin from your body. This is called regret. So why do so many people fall in love with their design then later wish they could divorce it? We could probably put it down to fickle minds and poor decision-making. It’s certainly best to remember when choosing a tattoo that this one fleeting moment will be stamped into permanence onto your body. It will still be there in the morning, it will still be there on your wedding day and it will STILL be there to embarrass you in front of all the other geriatric nudists in the colony when you’re 78.
Now don’t get me wrong, the tattoo is a noble and admirable pursuit. The right design for the right person can be ceaselessly fulfilling. But just as a guideline here provided is a few mishaps in waiting you may want to avoid and some tips to help your decision making process…
Please don’t do it:
-A tribal design if you are the whitest man alive. Tribal tattoos have a lot of symbolism for people who are actually from that culture.
-A tattoo of your dead dog. Fido’s in dog heaven rooting hot poodles and laughing at how much of a wanker you look right now with him tattooed across your back.
-The name of a girl that isn’t your mother, sister, daughter etc. If you met her at a festival it’s probably not forever. Even if she quotes you Jeff Buckley lyrics and does that fancy thing with her tongue. Things do go wrong. When in doubt consider that mole you used to be so in love with in high school and what a whore she turned out to be.
-Good Charlotte Forever. In ten years time you’ll have some shitty band tattooed on your arm. Please do not get this tattoo. Also if this is applicable to you, please stop listening to Good Charlotte. Thanks.
-Twilight tattoos. This will not make Edward Cullen jump off the page and fuck you. With this tattoo maybe no one will ever fuck you.
Tips:
-Before you get that poignant word or saccharine verse across your hide consider every good piece of text that was ever ruined by a shitty slogan t-shirt and make sure your choice will never face similar commercialization.
-I would also not suggest taking the dive under the influence of any kind of mind-altering substances. I once saw a guy getting a cover up completed over a home job that read: marijuana rules. But if there’s no stopping you make sure it’s a hell good story. You might as well be able to look at that picture of… Harry Potter/the energizer bunny/a pineapple… and remember that time you got so fucked up you… thought you were a wizard/swallowed a battery/saw that Russian sex show.
THE END
Words by Bridget Dominic, whose name you can tattoo wherever the fuck you want.
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